A Mini Vacation almost in the books.

Been a rough few months around here for the twiz, I'm not going to lie to ya. Various serious life changes have occured so naturally I wanted to get the hell out of Dodge (or North Central WV as it were) and not think about important stuff for a few days.

It took a little bit of bribery and a lot of good will but I was able to take six days off from work to visit my buddy Jeremy in upstate New York. All in all it was a really good time and just what the Doctor ordered. Well, a doctor would have ordered it but since I don't have health insurance I self medicated.

We went to the shooting range and fired off a couple rounds of nine millimeter goodness. I also attended a Anniversary party for one of J's co-workers, and everyone was really cool. By some of the comments made I think that the majority of New Yorkers think that people from West Virginia are savages that eat their own young. This couldn't be farther from the truth as we prefer our meat gamey and tough and small children are too tender for our hillbilly taste buds!

The rest of the time I just hung out with Jeremy and his wife Ali. Playing World of Warcraft, watching that Izzard guy on dvd, and chatting about quote-unquote stuff.

Now I'd like to thank everyone that made this trip possible (In no particular order).
My Parentals for renting me a car because mine is a busted joint with only three wheels, and for food and gas money.
Jeremy and Ali for opening their home again to that savage from West Virginia, and for the nice swag I brought home.
My boss Laura for scheduling me these days off because I threatened her with bodily harm if she didn't.
All the degenerates that come into my bar and tipped me so I would have a little extra spending money.

I still have one more day off before I have to go back to work, which will probably be spent doing laundry and making up to my cats so they don't go all feral on me. Then it's back to the job and the life that is Twiz!

Again, thanks to all that made the past week better than the previous eight. It was much appreciated.

-Twiz

Don't forget what's in your fridge.

I picked up a case of beer on my way home last night because I used to be a boy scout and the motto is "Be Prepared."

Now I am a little too prepared I think. Forgot that I picked up a case earlier in the week & I completely forgot about it.


This is my refrigerator. The contents are:

• 2 Rockstar Energy Drinks
• A tub of Country Crock "butter flavored" sludge.
• Half a jar of spaghetti sauce.
• A tube of Cinnamon Buns.
• 9 bottles of water.
• A jar of kosher style pickles.
• An apple
• Bag of baby carrots
• 2 Liter of Pepsi
• Various condiments.
• 33 Budweiser cans(!)

It's a good thing I'm off a few days next week, apparently I have some drinking to do. Beer for breakfast!

-Twiz

Police Mootality & other bad puns.

Alright, don't ask how I found this news article. The internet is a web, travel enough and you will find something disturbing. Like this.

N.J. Officer Allegedly Performed Sex Acts On Cows

Previously Charged With Sexual Assault On 3 Girls

I couldn't resist photoshopping this guy. I realize he is innocent until proven guilty but to just be accused of inappropriate bovine love is bad bad bad. If you will also notice, the headline gives the alleged cow rape top billing, while the three girls are relegated to a smaller font. This is how I found it posted on the news website. That fact is even more disgusting than the bestiality. I love the press. Glad they have their priorities straight.

In conclusion, I'd like to say GO NEW JERSEY!!!! If this guy can become a cop, then I should move there and run for King of the Universe!

Slight upgrade to Blog

I got a request a longtime ago for more explosions and bigger boobs but this is the best I could do. A new banner, and a new color. I like the look and if you don't, well, that's tough shit.

Oh yeah, here's the explosion....



And the boobs....



Bonus points awarded to whoever can guess who those boobs belong to.

-Twiz

The Poor Die First!

I was looking at USA Today online tonight and found this article in the life section. As you can see from the hastily photo shopped picture, men in the south are screwed. Similar results for those southern belles. Now, the reason I find this interesting is that the states coated in a nice dark blue coating are mostly states with rampant unemployment, poverty, and low public education expectations. Coincidence? I think not!

On the bright side, I noticed that the county in WV I live in has a average life expectancy for men of 73.1 to 74.2 years. That means I have approximately 40.8 to 41.9 years to live! Personally, that's good to know as I have a lot of stuff do to and wasn't sure if I was going to get it done or not!

The cloud in the silver lining? I'll probably have to work until I am 75 to qualify for social security.

-Twiz

What's The Magic Word?

Ok, so I totally had to redo this post. I was half asleep when I first did it and it needed some serious editing. My grammar suffers horribly at 5am.

I work in the public as a bartender of sorts. Some days are rewarding, some I just want to punch customers in the neck, even though that's not exactly professional it would feel wonderful. I'm normally a very even tempered cat. I can honestly say that nothing that happens at work really unnerves me. The biggest asshole can come into my bar and I could care less. His/Her problem isn't my problem. I can have a conversation with an intelligent person or a drunken buffoon about any topic that suits their fancy. That's part of what a bartender does in my opinion

Now, with that being said, I have recently been noticing that very few people say "please" after requesting me to get them a cold foamy beverage, a soda, change, or whatever. I've started asking them what the magic word is and more often than not I just get this dumb look back in return.

Why is that? Where's the appreciation? Perhaps I am getting older and wouldn't mind a little respect from someone, instead of being treated like I'm just some man servant to be ordered around. More than likely it's probably that the people who don't say please and are just backwards assholes that are barely able to function in society, let alone out in public. I mean, I've had bad days where I just want to get through my day with a minimum of human contact but I try (note the word TRY) not too be jerky with other people. Life is too short to go around treating people that pump your gas, bag your groceries, or pour your beer, like they are a hole in the air. It's the "little people" out there doing the shit jobs that make this world go around.

So if you come into my bar, you will gain at least 5 cool points with me if you just use those three little words. Common courtesy is a good thing and makes the day a little better.

-Twiz

Clean Air, it's wonderful! And newspaper HATE!

There has been a stirring in these here parts! Recently our wonderful county commission decided to sneak through a county ordinance that would make smoking a no-no everywhere but in your house. My thoughts on this are myriad and mostly vulgar, so lets get to them!

The Marion County commission is full of self serving, self righteous, pompous douche bags that obviously do not have their finger on the pulse of their constituents. There is one exception and that would be a gentleman named Randy. He was the only member of the commission that didn't go for this. I've talked to Randy several times and while he is a loud and boisterous gentleman, he knows the people of this county very well. He's a politician, yes, but don't hold that against him. This makes me wonder if there isn't some federal government grant that the commission is eye balling for their own usage in whatever business ventures they may undertake.

Smoking is bad. I get that. I'm in love with that fickle bitch otherwise known as nicotene. As far as I am concerned drinking alcoholic beverages and smoking a cigarette is like peanut butter and jelly. Separate they are ok but putting the two together works best. No smoking in restaurants I agree with. No smoking in public places, I get that too. But to ban them from bars? To borrow an old hillbilly saying, "That dog just won't hunt." Which leads me to my next point.

This is West Virginia. Change is bad to most of the people around here. The other day an older guy came into my bar and was bitching and moaning about how West Virginia might get another area code! Inconceivable! I thought this guy was going to have a stroke. The fact of the matter is that a recent study showed that twenty five percent of all West Virginians light up everyday. One in four high school students are addicted to smoking or nicotene in some form as well. I'd cite my sources but I'm lazy and don't feel like it so you'll just have to take my word for it. I'm not totally sure but that number of smokers has got to be down from when I was in high school. Shit, everyone smoked back then!

A public blazing ban does work, I believe New York state has had just such a law in place for around three years. I was up there recently and I must tell you, going into a bar with no cloud of smoke in the air was slightly disconcerting. That's just because I'm used to the shit hole bars around Marion county I'm sure, but it seemed weird to me nonetheless.

Here is the article that was ran in the local newspaper, the Times West Virginian. I want to comment on it and then my rant is almost over.

The following quotes are copy/pasted directly from the Times West Virginian's website. I purposefully left the typos in there so you can get an idea of what I am dealing with.

FAIRMONT — When the Marion County advertised for public comments about the proposed revision to the Clean Indoor Air ordinance they received four.

The board members advertised that it was accepting the public comments in a 68-word legal ad that ran 24 weeks prior to the measure being voted on. No public hearings were held prior to the vote.

The original Clean Air ordinance banned smoking from malls, eateries, and the like. How can they get away with this? Well for those not hip, it's a revision to a law already on the books. No voting necessary! Go! Go! Elected officials! This is the way they can do whatever the hell they want and say screw you. Wake up and smell the democracy.
But a legal AD? A legal ad you say? In the Times West Virginian you say? The very paper I just quoted? Your newspaper is a fucking rag. There is no news in the times unless it's football season and the WVU Mountaineers are winning. This newspaper used to have articles that were pertinent, not a springboard for inane gossip and shit that everyone knows anyway (with the exception of this phantom legal ad). The college newspaper I worked on was far superior, more news worthy, and it only came out twice a month. Basically what I am saying is that subscriptions are way down for the Times West Virginian and the only people who probably read this legal ad were people who don't go out anyway. Your readership consists of elderly people who want to look at the obituaries and people who visit a bookie on a regular basis.

During the meeting, which was held in the Poky Dot, the board passed the revision to an older smoking ordinance by a three to one vote with one member adstaining.

Great place to have a meeting. The Poky Dot is a over priced sandwich shop with above average desserts which are also too expensive. I wonder, did the tax payers of Marion county pay for this quote-unquote meeting? Why not have the meeting, oh I don't know, at a local bar? Can't do that though. There might actually be some people with opinions contrary to what the commission members have on their agenda!

Now the part that hits my wallet...

The revision prohibits smoking in all free-standing bars and video lottery establishments. Fraternal organizations are exempt when holding a private function.

I work at one of the said video lottery establishments. Basically these places are set up with five poker machines per "store". These machines are basically what you will find in Las Vegas or Atlantic City or on most Indian Reservations (damn that's racist eh?). They are gambling dens, pure and simple. State certified and government approved. West Virginians love getting drunk, smoking cigarettes, and shitting their money away gambling. If this clean air thing goes through alot of my customers will stop coming in to gamble. They don't come in to gamble, I don't get tips. I don't get tips, I'm working for just over minimum wage. Fairly simple equation I think.

In conclusion, yes West Virginia needs to move forward. I just ask that you let me make some money off the poor suckers that pour dollar after dollar into the poker machines before this move. The state already gets around sixty percent of every dollar that goes into those machines, why can't I get my share as well?

-Twiz

An obvious case of "I should have known better"

I love beer. I drink it all the time and as The Coneheads would put it, "In mass quantities." My cold foamy beverage of choice for when I just want to throw back some brew is the old standby, Budweiser. Occasionally I like to add a little bit of the spicy version of V8 to my Bud just for a switch. Recently I was at the local Qwik-E-Mart and saw Budweiser & Clamato Chelada. My curiosity was piqued. This is where the "I should have known better" comes in.

After reading the colorful "BUY ME!" propaganda on the back of the can I was a little worried. Clamato by itself is some vile stuff, no question about it. Just the word clamato incites visions of squeezing that funky fluid inside of a clam into a perfectly good glass of tomato juice. Ew. However, me being me I just figured that beer can fix anything so I gave the Bud/Clamato stuff a try.

Big mistake.

I cracked it open and this smell assaulted my nose. It reminded me of an overflowing dumpster on a hot summer day. How Anheuser Busch captured so many funky smells into one can is something that I do not want to know. Naturally after the aforementioned nose crinkle, I took a sip.

Bigger mistake.

When I say this concoction is vile, I am not doing it justice. It tasted like what collects at the bottom of said dumpster except cold. Not that I know for sure what dumpster water would taste like, I'm just using my imagination.

Needless to say the sink enjoyed drinking the rest of my Budweiser Clamato Chelada with a clorox bleach chaser to wash it down. I wouldn't even flush this shit down the toilet, it's that bad.

Moral of the story? Even if someone pays you to try this, don't.

-Twiz