My Favorite Family Guy clip... EVER

I love Family Guy. It has got to be one of my favorite shows of all time. Probably because of the crass humor which is exactly in line with my tastes. Each episode is chock full of chuckles for me, and the clip below is my favorite of all time. Every time I see it I get a smile on my face. In this episode Stewie gets left behind when the rest of the family goes on vacation. So for your amusement I present to you the 4th episode of the 7th season from Family Guy entitled, Baby Not on Board. Enjoy!

Stats Stat

I love statistics of all kinds. I find them fascinating. I did a google search tonight on which state has the highest percentage of the population that most frequently participated in binge drinking. Living in West Virginia all my life, and knowing the people around here, I figured that we would be pretty high up on the list, top ten at the very least. Imagine my surprise when I saw we were ranked #48 out of 52.

The health care sector defines binge drinking as the following:

"Binge drinking is drinking certain beverages with the intention of becoming intoxicated. For a typical adult, this pattern corresponds to consuming 5 or more drinks (male), or 4 or more drinks (female), in about 1-3 hours. However, these numbers vary significantly based on weight and numerous other variables."

Five beers sounds like the start of a good night to me, but I love beer. It's one of my many Achilles' heels. I'd say 75% of the people around my age that I hang out with are binge drinkers. Perhaps I need to find a new circle to travel in?

While doing the binge drinking search I clicked on West Virginia and was greeted by a plethora of interesting health related rankings and statistics. After browsing down through the list, these stats had me not only thinking about the health care aspect, but also had me pondering on how the society of West Virginia ultimately operates. The term self destructive comes to mind.

Now to highlight a few of the areas West Virginia has a high (read bad) ranking in. These are simply food for thought and I cannot personally vouch for the accuracy of the statistics, nor will I go into a lengthy diatribe about each one of the following quote/unquote problem areas. Each item on the following list makes sense when you analyze it. Thinking for yourself can be fun, after all.

• Diabetes (#1)
  
• High Blood Pressure (#1)
• High cholesterol (#2)
• Loss of natural teeth (#1)
  
• Smokeless Tobacco Users (#1)
  
• Overweight & Obesity Rate (#1)
  
• Resident population with serious mental illness per capita (#2)
  
• Everyday Smokers (#2)
  
• Adult cases of asthma (#4)
• Health care as a percentage of total employment (#1)

I promised that I won't go into a rant, and I won't. I will, however, state the following. If you are a resident of the great state of West Virginia, I guarantee that at least one of the above lines with a dot in front of it applies to you or has applied to you in the past. Go ahead, call me a liar.

-Twiz

Note: I don't want my readers to think that I am a hater of WV. Far from it. I point out the negatives to raise awareness.

Wolverine

Recently released was the teaser trailer for the upcoming Wolverine movie. May first I will be there. Wolverine was my favorite comic book character growing up so I am really looking forward to this.

Gate A, Section 540, Row W, Seat 2

As I stated in a previous blog, I scored a ticket to a Pittsburgh Steelers home game. Well this past Thursday was the game and I must say, it was a spiritual experience.

When driving into downtown Pittsburgh from the south side you have to go through the Fort Pitt Tunnel. I've driven through this tunnel on numerous occasions and every time I do the experience is awe inspiring. Upon exiting the tunnel the first thing you see is the Pittsburgh skyline. Every time I've been to downtown Pittsburgh has been during the day, which is impressive enough, but on this most recent trip I was greeted by that familiar skyline after the sun had set. What made the view impressive is that on this particular night the city was positively glowing. While traveling across the aptly named Fort Pitt bridge a quick glance to the left afforded me a view of Heinz Field, lit up like a miniaturized halogen powered sun. I was excited about this evening for months, but this sight was spiritual to me.

After sitting in traffic for what seemed like an eternity, we finally got a parking space about a block from the field. We got a late start so we didn't get to do any tailgating but that's alright, I really didn't want to get drunk an hour and a half from home. After parking and making sure we had everything we needed we start walking the block or so to the field. The streets were a sea of black and gold. Thousands of people streaming to one location, all dressed similar, all abuzz with anticipation for the upcoming contest between the Steelers and the Bengals.

At the gate we get frisked by security, I tried to get the gentleman's phone number that frisked me as he had a gentle touch (just kidding!), and after that we began the trek to our seats. The walk was long and treacherous, and every bit of it was uphill, but there was electric in the air and now that I was in the confines of Heinz Field I could care less.

The title of this blog were where our seats were. They weren't the greatest but they were semi protected from the elements, which was a good thing. Just sitting there, seeing the green of the field, smelling the cooking of bratwursts and chili fries, hearing the buzz of the crowd and the announcer on the pa system. Whoa. The ambiance was intoxicating.

Kick off was at 8:15pm. Attendance around 53,000. Game time temperature was in the upper 30's. Winds steady out of the northwest at about 10 miles an hour, there was a 20% chance of flurries. Perfect football weather.

I won't give you a play by play on what happened during the game itself, that's what Sportscenter is for. Cliff notes version is the Steelers fell behind early then went ahead in the 2nd quarter and finally turned it on to blow out the Bengals. What I will tell you about is the beginning of the 3rd quarter.

It started to snow. I don't mean flurries, I don't mean just "spitting snow." I mean full on, fat ass snowflakes the diameter of a dime. The best way to describe what it looked like is that we were sitting inside of a snow globe. The view was breathtaking. The snow enhanced the view, it didn't detract from it. I'm not a religious person but this was as close to a religious experience as I can get.

That's pretty much all there is to tell. The fans were great, the game was great, it was all great. After the game was over we walked out of the stadium, got in the car, and drove home discussing the evenings events.

I'll be back again someday. It was a good time.

-Twiz

Karaoke Selection #3 (Retired)

This song takes me way back. I love acoustic ballads such as this. I've retired karaoke selection #3 however which is a shame because I do it really well in my opinion, even the whistling part. This is really the only quote/unquote love song that I had in my repertoire. Once again, for your consideration...

*Edit 1/20*
Apparently youtube yanked the video I had linked. The song is Patience by Guns-n-Roses so hum it to yourself or something.

An Enema at least Every 8 years

Ahhhhhh, wake up and smell Democracy!

I hope whomever reads this blog got out there and voted today. I did my research and I am heading down to Ye Olde Firehall in about ten minutes to do my civic duty. I haven't missed an election of any kind since I was 18 years old. A lot of people don't bother voting because, as one person I spoke with recently said, "I'm just a drop in the ocean so I'm not even going to bother." That's a great attitude you lazy ass, you just light up another bowl and keep on truckin!

Yes the country is fucked up in so many aspects that it boggles the mind to even begin and try to fix all the problems. Health care, abortion, Iraq, taxes, poverty, education, the list goes on and on. Do you know what is really wrong with this country? Well seeing as how this is my blog and I can say whatever I damn well please, I will tell you. It's apathy.

There are 305,571,000 living in the United States and too many of these people don't vote. Granted voter turnout has been increasing steadily over the past 2 decades and I applaud those of you who take the 5 minutes out of your 2nd Tuesday of November every 4 years to participate in democracy.

Now if I can just make it through the day without hearing "I decided to vote for the lesser of two evils." All politicians are morally responsible... until they get elected.

-Twiz

The Forgotten Paladin

The title to this blog sounds like a book I would like to read, or perhaps one I haven't written yet, but I digress.

On some random Warcraft server I have a level 70 paladin that I had all but forgotten. In about 2 weeks the expansion pack for Warcraft will be coming out and in anticipation of that the creators of the game totally redid the majority of the talent trees. If you don't play Warcraft that probably read like a bunch of nonsense but bear with me.

What does this mean for the Forgotten Paladin you may ask? Historically paladin's were healers, more recently their ability to keep enemies away from your party members has been worked into the game. The most recent development? Paladins. Melt. Face. The damage I can do in my new specialazation is nothing short of fantastic. Finally working as intended I say!


Unfortunately there has been a huge backlash against the Paladin class from people who play the other classes available in game, so the Paladin is in for a tune down when the expac is released. Damage is going to be decreased etcetera etcetera. Luckily the expac isn't going to be out until the 14th of this month so I have been spending my time in Warcraft enjoying the temporary feeling of being a badass.

-Twiz

His First PC Game

Whenever you buy a new television, it never fails that you are always missing some key ingredient to make it work. Whether that ingredient be some special wires with a certain type of plug or what not it is a unavoidable fact of life. This fact goes double for when you get a new computer. With that being said my buddy Jarrod and I had to run down to your friendly neighborhood wal-mart to pick up some cables. While there I made him buy a case of beer so we could properly set up his computer. Adequate lubrication is key to this, hence the beer.

While at wally world I also made him buy the newly released Fallout 3. We get to his pad and hook up his computer to his huge as pimpin teevee and after about 2 hours of fighting with his teevee that is too damn smart and didn't want to jive with the display options on the computer we get Fallout 3 to run in full screen mode.

Oh my God and the baby Jesus too.

State of the art television, state of the art computer, state of the art video game with the graphics turned all the way up. I feel like I've been living in a cave. I love video games. If you know me you know this. What came up on that screen was as close to getting an orgasm as I can get without making a mess. We had to use my Sennheiser headphones as we needed yet another cable (typical) to hook up his surround sound but the visuals alone were skeet.

This Friday he is getting DSL installed and my new plan is to install World of Warcraft on his computer and taking over his house for 2 days. He, of course, doesn't know this yet.

-Twiz

The Australian Poopsicle.

If you can stomach it, read this article.

Apparently you really don't want to order a gelato at Sydney's posh Coogee Bay Hotel. You also really don't want to piss off someone in the food service industry. The former is obvious because of the link to the above article on reuters, the latter is just being an intelligent human being.

When I go out to eat I never, and I mean never, make waves with the host staff, the cooks, or anyone else that works at the restaurant. People can be evil and creative with their revenge, and that in itself gives me pause before going off on a dumb ass waiter, especially before dessert has been served.

I wasn't there but my guess as to what happened is this. The customers were being complete and total douche-bags the entire time they were there. The article states they were complaining that they couldn't hear a football game and were given a gelato to "placate" them. This is only part of the story probably and of course the offended customers will downplay any douche-baggery. That being said, you don't poop in a man's ice cream. I don't give a good goddamn how nasty he may be.

The worst part of it? It was a chocolate gelato. Ewwwwwwww!!!!

-Twiz

LETS DO THIS!

My buddy Jarrod has been bugging the shit out of me the last few weeks because he wants a computer. Apparently I am the designated computer geek for my small circle of friends and this has put me in a precarious position. Earlier tonight he came over, mentioned the computer thang again, and me being me I finally broke down and said, "Fine, lets hook you up with a computer." He's got the money, and I got the know how. He told me what he wants his computer to do so here is what he is getting (warning: tech specs ahead).

-- Intel Core2 Q6600 Quad-Core (8MB L2 cache,2.4GHz,1066 FSB)
-- 4GB Dual Channel DDR3 SDRAM at 1067MHz - 4 DIMMs
--nVidia GeForce GTX 280 – 1024MB
--Seagate 7200RPM, SATA 3.0Gb/s, 16MB Cache
-- Genuine Windows Vista® Home Premium
-- Razer Copperhead Tempest Blue Gaming Mouse
-- MERC Stealth Gaming Keyboard
--16x DVD-ROM Drive + 16x DVD+/-RW w/ dbl layer write capable

So yeah. He wanted, he's getting. I could have went really nuts (dual GTX's anyone?) but he gave me a dollar amount and I stayed under it. Luckily he already has a monitor and a surround sound system so I didn't have to muck with those. That being said, I am hooking him up with a gaming rig that I am slightly envious of. Not tippy top of the line but still pretty damn decent. It's all good though. Someone helped me out once with a computer and now I am returning the favor.

-Twiz

Excuse me sir, we decided on a different "Token Black Guy"

I popped onto Yahoo! and read this article and was a shocked, but I get it.

The movie Iron Man was good. Just take my word for it as I am a Marvel Comics "fan boy" and have enjoyed (almost) every comic to film adaptation that has been released based on Marvel characters.

All I can say is read the article. I'm in the mindset that unless something drastic happens, stick to the original cast when making sequels! Just my random thought on the subject.

-Twiz

Karaoke Selection #2

I've noticed that most of the people who have the balls to sing karaoke always choose sappy love songs. They are easy to do. Nothing, and I mean nothing, brings a hoppin bar down more than a heartfelt ballad. Usually the person singing just went through a nasty breakup or is lamenting on love lost. Don't get me wrong, there are several songs I sing that are ballads but there is a time and place for this. These times aren't for when you are out trying to have a good time however.

When this happens I have my DJ buddy que this selection up. I must say that this song usually clears the air of negative thoughts. The lyrics don't really matter in this case, as the song is upbeat. Quite honestly, the chicks dig it, and that is one of the reasons I do it. So, for your consideration, I offer my Karaoke Selection #2. Enjoy,



-Twiz

Will The Real Max Payne Please Stand Up?

My pal Jarrod and I went to see Max Payne tonight. Max Payne is the big screen adaptation of one of my favorite video games of all time.

Honestly I was a little worried about this movie at first for several reasons. One reason is the unclothed young man to the left (Marky Mark Wahlberg) playing the part of Max, a brooding, depressed, and haunted police detective. He did a passable job. Not Oscar worthy but decent. The second reason was the trailer for the film looked all demonic and that is not even close to what the storyline of the Max Payne video game was about. Finally I was worried that this movie was going to be a lump of special effect laden shit with bad acting. Well none of the actors broke any new ground but my final call on this movie is that it entertained me, and that's what it's all about.

All that being said, the movie sticks pretty close to the story line of the video game. Be forewarned, this is not a kill, kill, kill, everyone dies movie. There are a few action scenes, but at it's heart this is a cop movie. Follow the clues, slowly piece together what is going on, then BAM! Plot twist! The beginning is dreadfully slow setting up the story, but perhaps that is because I already knew what the final outcome was going to be.

Quite honestly I expected (and hoped for) an R rating. After watching it I don't see how it wasn't rated R. Only one F-Bomb was dropped and the language was no coarser than what you will find on cable television after 9 o'clock at night. There was violence and gun play, which we are desensitized to. Some of the imagery later on in the movie is quite dark and twisted and there is a scene of what can only be described as torture. It wasn't gruesome torture mind you, but the scene was pretty intense. I'm not a parent but I found myself sitting there thinking that there is no way I would let my 10 year old kid watch this. It was that freaky. I'm getting old though.

All in all it was a good story, and one that needed to be told. The director did a passable job of translating the dark and dreary New York of the game into the film. A lot of non gamers think that video games are stupid and the movie translations are pure ass. 2006's Silent Hill is a perfect example of this. Some would argue that 2005's Doom is also garbage, but I did enjoy Doom somewhat.

Max Payne will probably be in and out of theaters quickly and it may not make a ton of dough. That's not the point. The point is Max Payne got made, and that's a good thing.

-Twiz

Karaoke Selection #1

I sing karaoke from time to time, and unlike many other karaoke singers I take pride in my singing. Granted it doesn't take alot of skill to go up on stage in front of a bunch of drunk people who have no clue what the hell is going on. They can't tell whether the jukebox is playing or an actual human being is providing the entertainment, unless of course the karaoke singer is so horrendously off key that dogs bark. So, for your consideration, here is one of the songs that I usually warm up with when I do sing karaoke.

Kenny Wayne Sheppard - Blue on Black


I have no actual videos of me singing, but if I say I do a good job at a song you better believe it. Twiz don't spout no junk.

There are about ten to twelve songs that I do on a consistent basis and in the coming weeks I will post videos here of the originals. You may be surprised at the selections.

-Twiz

Lying 101

I saw this article on yahoo and it made me want to blog about something I have been thinking about lately. Lying.

It's been my experience that the random people you meet in this world are so full of shit that their breath stinks like feces. I am guilty of lying as much as the next man (or woman), but mostly I try to shoot straight and not embellish the facts. Being a bartender I've talked to a lot of people that, in my opinion, just start talking and have no clue when to shut up. For instance, the other day this older gentleman was telling me about his trip to Vegas. He tells me that he dropped thirty thousand dollars in a casino and that he didn't even bat an eyelash. Yeah, right. If he has so much money to throw away why did he drive a ten year old mini van and dress like a homeless person? Obviously he's a quote unquote "high roller." Another for instance for you is the 21 year old girl who came into my bar and tried to tell me about all the older men she has eating out of the palm of her hand, then told me about her pain pill addiction and how she wishes she could get more child support out of her baby daddy. Sell your bullshit somewhere else sister, because I ain't buying! I've got numerous stories about many people that I could cite. Either I'm a very cynical cat or the random people I talk to can't speak without being honest. Probably a little bit of both.

I went off course a little bit there, but the point of the story is this. What are you lying douche bags trying to prove? Is it a raging case of "I just don't know when to shut up" or what? I realize that a little lie here and there to protect oneself, or someone you care about, can ultimately be a good thing. I know I made a career of it in my (failed) marriage. It's just scary to me how some people have absolutely no control over the manure they freely vomit out of their mouths! People will say anything to get themselves ahead.

I'm going to stop here as I'm getting all worked up and quite honestly could go on and on about this subject.

Food for thought.

-Twiz

Broccoli makes me gassy!

I'm bored, and a tad tipsy. I read somewhere recently that anything over 5 alcoholic drinks is considered binge drinking. Well shit. Almost everyone I know, including myself, is an alcoholic. Maybe it's just where I live, but getting piss ass drunk is a way of life for a lot of West Virginians. I must admit that it dulls the pain (both physical and mental) of the various pains in life.

What does this have to do with broccoli? Not a damn thing. So here is a recipe for a tasty broccoli dish.

How's that for random?

-Twiz

West and Wewaxation at WAST!

Apologies to Elmer Fudd.

MY Warcraft buddy J*Star came up with a great idea. Transfer to a non player versus player server so we can enjoy the upcoming release of Wrath of the Lich King for World of Warcraft. Personally, I've always looked down upon these types of servers and called them "Care Bear" servers. After an evening of questing without any of the opposing faction killing me over and over again, I must say I am hooked.

Not once did I have to look over my pixelated shoulder, not once did I have to worry about that stealthed rogue about to kill me, not once did I have to run from the graveyard to my body in ghost form. It was wonderful.

I've been playing World of Warcraft since late in 2005 (shortly after the game came online) and I have always been on player versus player servers (where you can be attacked at anytime, almost anywhere, with impunity). That being said, J*Star put it best with a simple statement.

"We should have done this a long time ago."

No shit. There is some solace in it my friend, you thought of it, and being a care bear is good.

-Twiz

Go Watch Fooseball With Your Friends

A few weeks ago a friend of mine told me that there was a possibility that he could get his mitts on a pair of tickets to the November 20th Pittsburgh Steelers home game at Heinz Field. Needless to say I was stoked at even the chance at going, as it's been a dream of mine to see a game in person for a long, long time. Well, he told me tonight that he has the tickets in hand and we are going! I've been a Steelers fan all my life so this isn't kind of a big deal to me, it is a big deal.

To put it in perspective, the Steelers have sold out every home game since 1972. Quite honestly I thought that I would never have the opportunity to see a game. Now, barring any unforseen catastrophes, I will.

So I've got until November the 20th to scrape together a little spending money, and to find a camera.

-Twiz

Hey man, got a light?

My buddy and I decided to go half on a gamefly account because, well, we both love games and it's convenient. Buying games can sometimes be a crapshoot. When I sit back and count how many times I spent 50 or 60 dollars on a shitty game that I could have rented first it makes me nauseous. Anyhow, I convinced him to rent The Orange Box from valve for his PlayStation 3 because Half Life 2 just melts faces and is quite possibly one of the best first person shooters to date. Also included with the orange box is Team Fortress 2, a class based online only game that is really good. Unfortunately my friend doesn't have internet access so being the swell guy that I am I redownloaded it onto my computer for him to see what he was missing.

Now, I haven't played TF2 since early this year and the peoples at valve have made 2 or 3 big upgrades to it. Needless to say those guys are good at making these types of games. I sat down just to tweak the graphics settings so the game would run smoothly and next thing I know 6 hours had went by. Yeah, I've got a problem with gaming (according to certain people who will remain unmentioned in this blog)

The makers of the game are in the process of adding achievements to each class sort of like what the makers of Call of Duty 4 have done. What this does is extends the playability of the game and guarantees that sick twisted game-a-holics such as myself will keep on playing. The developers realize that it's good to have goals, even if they are pixelated. So for the next few nights, I will be playing a Pyro (shown here). I swear sometimes that I have ADD as nothing seems to hold my interest for long.

-Twiz

And in Local News...

I think I've mentioned in previous blogs that I think the local paper is refuse. I do, however, check the website for the Times West-Virginian every few days just to see if any rednecks have wrecked their four-wheeler lately.

Today I was in for quite a treat as one of the articles from today had a roving reporter out and about asking the regular folk of Marion County what they think about about the bail out package.

First they interviewed two college coeds working at a bar/sandwich shop. Their opinions sounded like regurgitation from whatever their professor told them in the business class they have to take. Be sure to stay inside the lines when coloring ladies!

I'm not going to go down through the residents of this fine county that the writer interviewed, I had thought about it, but I don't have the time or inclination. The general consensus from them however is that life sucks, and if it doesn't suck now it will suck eventually. What a great outlook!

I need to get a job at this paper. In the opinion section naturally. How is it that a bartender with a smattering of college education is ahead of what is supposed to be one of the better newspapers in North Central West Virginia? I could cite that I have an opinion and an internet connection but I'm sure there are computers set up at the Times, although they are probably Macs.

And yes, J*Star, you were first on this.

-Twiz

Proofreading and my 12th grade Edumacation.

My blogging process...

I'll start throwing down my opinions, clicking and clacking away on the keyboard like a madman. I'll then go back, proofread and correct my blogs, click the publish post button, and log out. A few days later I'll go back and reread my submissions and realize that I aren't as smart as I thought I were. The total disregard for the English language in the previous sentence was done on purpose, but reading some of my own blogs I've noticed a pattern. My grammar is for shit. I mean it's really bad. I've always prided myself on being able to put down in words my thoughts in a clear, concise, and intelligible format. Apparently my public education (or lack thereof) is really starting to shine through.

Ah well, I'll just have to try harder on picking up my boo boo's from now on.

-Twiz

I Need Bail Money Too...

I'm usually broke. I have enough money in my wallet right now for maybe 5 gallons of gasoline. When is the gov'ment coming to my rescue? This whole bail out package that congress is going to be voting on is highly suspect. I thought that we lived in a world where you have to deal with the repercussions of your actions. Obviously, I was wrong. Nancy Pelosi, the House Speaker (thank you SO much California) as quoted from the USA Today stated that the House will vote on a new $700 billion financial bailout bill on Monday to send a message to Wall Street that "the party is over."

Um, what the hell? Being financially irreresponsible is partying? Well shit, I guess I've been partying my entire adult life! Where is my bail out money? I don't need 700 BILLION, heck I'd settle for 700 dollars! Oh wait, I already got that thanks to president bush's tax relief check (that I had to split with the Ex. GRRRR!!!!)

I've never pretended to be politically or financially savvy. I know just enough about both to be able to give fairly accurate opinions on each of them. If an individual writes a check that their "ass can't cash" then said individual is held liable for any debts incurred. No government, on any level, is going to tell them that "the party is over" and help them out of trouble! That's just crazy talk! I realize that the naughty companies being bailed out are indicative of a much larger problem and that the individual American's financial difficulties can't even be compared to the woes of these companies. For lack of a better term this bail out is crazy. Yeah I just started a sentence with a preposition, deal with it.

All this makes me wish I had finished college and went to law school to specialize in Bankruptcy Law. Open up your yellow pages and let your fingers do the walking and you will see what I mean.

Gov'ment of the (rich) people, by the (rich) people, and for the (rich) people. Here's a fun statistic! In 2004 approximately 35 million people living in the good ole US of A lived below the poverty line. That was four years ago and no doubt that number has gone up. I'd check the most recent statistics but I'm lazy and I'm on a good rant here. Who cares about the poor? They're just sucking this country dry anyway, right? They're the ones that are serving the food at the upscale restaurants, pouring your drinks at the bar, answering the customer service hotlines at 2 in the morning, running the cash register at the convenience stores, the list could go on but you get my drift.

-Twiz

One of the reasons I love World of Warcraft

This week marks the 2nd annual Brewfest in the game World of Warcraft. Any game that gives a nod to alcohol is ok in my book. I went down to the brewfest to check out the festivities tonight and I found this on one of the vendors.


Now, in an episode of my favorite tv shows of all time, Firefly, there were several references to this "Mudder's Milk" Yeah I'm stupid but just seeing this in the game made me smile and made me a little happy. So thanks Blizzard, my show ain't dead!

-Twiz

Today's project. The Dungeon

I'm off today so I call up my Dad and ask him to come over. Today we tackled the dungeon, or as some people call them, the basement.

Damn. The entire bottom floor of my house was a wreck. I haven't seen some of the stuff I found down there in 4 years. To say it is the least used room in the house is an understatement. There was a lot of the ex's crap down there which was the main reason to clean it out. Once again half of my garage is filled with her shit so if you are keeping score two halves make a whole damn garage! The sad part? We only got half of the stuff cleared out and still have half the basement to go! My basement seems absolutely cavernous now with just what we moved out, including a huge metal cabinet that was wedged in there so tight it took us 15 minutes just to figure out how to get the thing out!

Looks like Wednesday we are going to finish off clearing out the remainder of the junk and I will have another room to call my own.

-Twiz

Lots of readin material!!!

Once again I have been neglecting my blog. I thought it best to cool down as I was really close to busting a creamy load of personal drama all over the internet. I'll leave that type of stuff to the teenage girls and bitter jerks of the world. I'm bitter but I try not to be a jerk (insert laugh track here).

Anyhoo, for your viewing pleasure I present to you the Nissan Live Sets on Yahoo! Music with Weezer. Basically the band got together in a room full of what appears to be band geeks and did some of their bigger hits acoustically. It's good and I like it so you should watch it. Here's "Pork and Beans" which has sort of become my anthem due to recent events in my personal life.



And here's a link to the entire list of ten videos that Weezer put forth onto Yahoo.

Click this carefully worded sentence for the link.

My pants fall off by themselves ladies!!

I went to super wal-mart the other night after work and had my arms full of groceries and to get to the front door of my house you have to go down some steps. I'm carefully navigating my steps in the darkness (it's 3am) with 3 of those blue bags in each hand, dodging Ralph my cat who I swear is trying to assassinate me. That's when it happens. About halfway down the steps my shorts drop down to my ankles. So there's me, standing in the late summer moonlight, 6 bags of groceries in my arms, a murderous orange cat looking up at me, and my undies are all that are between me and the little town I live in. I'm just thankful it was in the middle of the night. My neighbors already probably think I'm a freak of the highest order.

I chuckled to myself and didn't think of my nocturnal peep show for a few days. Then it struck me that, hey! I haven't weighed myself in about 2 years. I dig around the house and find a scale and hop on it and turn an eye to the dial.

I am happy to report that I am under 300 pounds for the first time in at least twelve years. Right now I'm sitting at 290 pounds. I'm still a big tub of sweet lovin, but I needed the ego stroke that loosing some poundage gives.

Now if I could just find some eager young ladies to stroke my ego for me...

-Twiz

A city, INSIDE MY TEEVEE!!!!

As previous blogs stated I got my XBox 360 back, so I have been spending lots of time cruising around Liberty City. The Grand Theft Auto series are the best games ever made. GTA4 is no exception. I remember a few years back I saw some screen shots and thought to myself that there is no way this game can look that good. Wow, I was wrong. Even my my crappy television it's breathtaking. Liberty City (based on New York City) has every little detail in it possible. I've never been to NYC but I can tell that the makers of GTA4 did their homework. The game is good, and I am hooked.

I've all but forgotten about Warcraft for the time being. I see that the expansion is coming out in November sometime so maybe I will squeeze a few more hours of play out of it at that time but at the moment, meh, tired of it.

-Twiz

Sick Cat, XBox, Moving stuff from point A to point B.

It's been an interesting week around here. This past Saturday night I had to take Harley, one of my cats, to the emergency veterinarian. He was weak, could barely move, panting, and was meowing so pathetically it would break your heart. My parents and I took him in and after an examination and some blood tests the vet told me what was wrong. Harley has what is known as immune mediated hemolytic anemia, or IMHA. Basically his immune system is fighting his red blood cells. There is no none cause and really no known cure. A lot of people would call this disease feline aids, but it isn't. That's a whole other disease. The doc gave me two types of pills and said that he has a 60% chance to make it over the next four days. Needless to say those four days were touch and go and after the first two I was really worried as he wasn't showing much improvement. The past two days he hasn't turned a complete one-eighty, but Harley is doing a helluva lot better than he was, so I am happy. He will probably have to be on pills the rest of his days and since he can't take them himself, I get to jam a little orange tablet and a large blue capsule down his throat twice a day for the rest of his life. It's worth it though.

Microsoft got my XBox back to me and it works great. Not really super important to me at the moment as I'm still taking care of Harley, but I thought it was worth mentioning. New problem? I took it over to my buddy's house and played it on his super ultra modern, high def, flat screen, pimpalicious, huge ass teevee. Going back to my wittle burned out teevee is going to be rough. Damn you wal-mart for getting rid of layaway!!!

And finally, my Dad, my buddy Jarrod, and myself have spent the last two days moving the Ex wife's stuff up to my garage so she can come and get it at her leisure. Until we started going through stuff I never realized how little I had possession wise in my house. I got one room stuffed full of computer type things, my Transformers, and my books. The rest of my house, well, it's fairly empty now. Guess I'll just have to fill it up with manly type stuff such as posters of barely clothed women, tacky furniture, and empty beer bottles. The beer bottles aren't a problem, the other two may take some time.

In conclusion, I'd just like to say that I honestly don't know what I would do without my Parents. They've been there for me the past eight months since all this wacky shit has gone down. If you want to call a divorce wacky. There are no words that can express the appreciation I feel. You guys rock.

-Twiz

I Fell in to a Burning Ring (of Lights) Part 3

Yes, Yes, there was a part two. Part 2 of Burning Ring is a study of inbound phone receiving ineptitude. I have a little experience in this field and if I got caught doing what one of these guys does to me, I would have been fired.

The first person I spoke with to get my xbox fixed up was Gary. Gary's accent was heavy with inflections and vowel sounds that I am not at all familiar with. Not to sound like too much of a racist douche bag, if the ink on his green card was dry I would be quite surprised. Anyhow, he sets up the order for my repair and I am happy. Three days go by and by this point I am getting nervous. I was supposed to have received a shipping label within twelve to twenty-four hours via email so I could mail out my sick xbox via UPS. I decide to make another call to the entity of Microsoft to see what the hell is going on...

That's when I talk to Frank. Now I will sound like a racist douche bag. I could tell by Frank's accent, inflections, vowel usage, and general attitude, that he is of Middle Eastern decent. The ink probably wasn't dry on his green card either. Most likely "Frank" is originally from Saudi Arabia but I am no expert. If we are going to be truly "frank" Frank, why don't you use your real name? Probably because corporate has decided that my squishy, charmin soft, American sensibilities can't even hear the names Abdul, Habib, or Qasim without seeing red.

"Frank" tells me everything is ok and tells me he is going to fix everything right up. Again I am happy. I just want my damn XBox to work.

I got busy and four days go by. No email from Microsoft again and by this point I am annoyed. I make call number three to their computer operated switchboard and after mashing the # button and the * button on my phone for about 3 minutes I get a real live person.

This one's name? Tank. I shit you not. I can't make this stuff up. Tank actually has an "American" accent so I have my fingers crossed. I resist the urge to ask him if he was once a varsity football player and proceed to handle my business explaining to him the circle jerk that Gary and Frank have put me through. Tank don't fool around. He finds out in less than 30 seconds that UPS doesn't recognize my street address and that is why I haven't got my shipping label. I give him my work address and he tells me that I should have my shipping label, in at the most, 24 hours. I say to myself yeah right, tell Tank to have a great evening, and get off the phone.

Four hours later I check my email and get a surprise. An email from Microsoft with *gasp* LABELS!!!!

Next day I gather up my Xbox, go to the UPS Store, pay the young man behind the counter for some packaging materials, and off my Xbox goes to somewhere in Texas.

So that's where I stand now. My XBox is still in Texas getting fixed. I don't see how anything else could go wrong, but I've been proven wrong before and on numerous occasions.

-Twiz

A chuckle for me, hope you get one too...

Husbands... Don't try this at home...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.


The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

John Mayer Butchering a classic

Dear John,

Don't do this ever again.



Thank you,
-Twiz

I Fell in to a Burning Ring (of Lights)

Apologies to Johnny Cash...

Ahhh console gaming. I spent about 4 hours of quality time with my new XBox 360, playing through the beginning missions of Grand Theft Auto 4. All was well and I was quite happy indeed! The next day I go to turn on my Xbox to play a little more and that's when it happened. The dreaded "red flashing ring of light." It's basically a dummy light for the system like a check engine light is too a car. The word vague comes to mind.

I had heard about this problem with the Xbox 360's, of course, so it wasn't totally unknown to me. I also heard how the makers of the Xbox, Microsoft, had a HUGE recall. I thought I was safe. Obviously, I thought wrong. My friend I got the Xbox off of had no problems whatsoever with it, so I must be the luckiest guy in the world! Now I have to print up some labels, go to Fed Ex or UPS, mail my Xbox to Microsoft, and wait for them to mail it back to me. Guess I'll have to wait to return to Liberty City for a few weeks.

-Twiz

SAD FACE!

One of my favorite comedians, Bernie Mac, died in Chicago yesterday. Bernie was great and he will be missed. Fifty years old was too young.

-Twiz

This never happens to me

You ever here of those people who just fall into good deals? You know the type, "I just bought this car that has a blue book value of twenty thousand dollars for a mere ten thousand" or "I just got a killer deal on forty acres of land." Well, turns out the sun does shine on a dogs ass some days and the other day I was the aforementioned dog's ass.

I got my mitts on a barely used Xbox 360 for less than half the price of a new one. I've always been a computer gamer but the chance at a top of the line gaming console for a mere 125 bux was too sweet to pass up. Seeing as how a brand new Xbox 360 retails for 300 plus tax I don't feel guilty at all about splurging on it. Naturally, when I took delivery of the Xbox I promptly went to wal-mart and purchased Grand Theft Auto IV. Luckily my buddy put me on a payment plan as I didn't have the cash right then to give to him for it. All I gave him was a twenty dollar down payment and I figure I can pay him off totally in about a week, two at the most.

Now all I need to do is get my hands on an HDTV for around the same price and I'll be really good to go!

-Twiz

Extreme Home Fakeover

The yahoo news article.

I feel bad these previously poor people got a mansion built for them back in 2005, then took a loan out against the place for $450,000 dollars, then proceeded to default on the loan. Oh wait, let me show you my "shocked" face.

My question is this. If you've got a nice new big house, what would cost 450 grand that you would need to take a loan out for? Another house?

This past winter, Ty Pennington and the Extreme Home Fakeover crew invaded Fairmont, West Virginia, and the circus began. I understand that the show is supposed to pull on your heartstrings and make you say "Awwwww, Isn't that just wonderful of them." but the whole spectacle rubbed me raw. The producers of the show must not do very extensive background checks is all I can say. I won't go into details as my knowledge of the facts concerning the family is hazy at best. Lets just say that they weren't known to always fly the straight and narrow path. Hell with it though, they go to church and are already a better class of people than me (yes, that's sarcasm). At least the kids got some cool new stuff. They can't help it if their parents can screw up a soup sandwich.

When I watched the airing of the episode, I thought I was going to vomit all over me heathen self. Makes me wonder if there were similar occurrences and oversights at one of the other shows? Rhetorical question.

Weird. The whole extreme home make over show is a farce. But it's all about "good TV. Can you pick out the oxymoron in the last sentence?

-Twiz

I found this freaky

On August 1st there will be a special solar eclipse. Why is this important? If you know me and know what happened on August 1st 1998, then this is somewhat prophetic. I wouldn't change the past ten years of my life, however. Well maybe a few things but nothing huge.

Yeah, I am drunk blogging but don't worry Mom, I had a designated driver that just dropped me off so I wasn't being totally irresponsible!

-Twiz

Heath Ledger, The Joker, and Oscar.

Heath Ledger's version of the Joker deserves it's own blog, so here we go.

Trying to compare Jack Nicholson's Joker from 1989 with Ledger's Joker from the current Batman movie is simply absurd. Acting has come a long way in the twenty years or so since Jack's campy yet definitely insane rendition of the clown prince of crime. Ledger's Joker is dark, twisted, sickly amusing, insane, but definitely intelligent. His schemes are never what they appear on the surface. Whether that is a testament to Ledger's acting abilities or the directing and writing is debatable. Quite honestly the nod for Hedger's Joker being better is probably a bit of all three.

Now for the Oscar buzz.
I understand why people are wanting to posthumously award the little gold statue to Ledger for his performance. Quite honestly it's probably the best supporting actor performance so far this year. On the same note, however, Aaron Eckhart did just as good of a job in The Dark Knight as a straight laced district attorney fighting the good fight against insurmountable odds. People want to go with the pity vote because of how sad it is that Heath Ledger was taken at such a young age by a stupid accident involving prescription drugs.

All that being said, here is my opinion on it. It's too early to just hand the Oscar to whoever would accept it on Ledger's behalf. We aren't even halfway through the year. Was his performance excellent? Definitely. With Ledger's performance he would have gotten a blank check from Hollywood and could have done anything he wanted to. This movie would have solidified him as a box office power house and would have put him in the league of Leonardo Dicaprio, Robert Downey Jr, and other very talented actors.

That is what I am most sad about. I remember seeing this frizzy haired kid with the weird accent in a teen movie called 10 things I About You and thought nothing of him. Just a pretty face in an industry filled over flowing with them. Over time he got more roles and his technique improved. This was the bust out role for him just as The Crow was the bust out role for Brandon Lee. Now Heath Ledger joins the infamous fraternity of gone too soon.

-Twiz

The Dark Knight

I have made the trip to the cinemas every time a new Batman movie has come out. From 1989's Batman starring Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson all through the increasingly campy and crappy sequels, ending with one of the worst movies of all time Batman and Robin, in 1997. Therefore, when the powers that be decided to resuscitate the franchise with Batman Begins in 2005, I was understandably very concerned. Batman Begins of course was exactly what the doctor ordered and was (to me) the best comic to film adaptation to date.

In case you were living under a rock, Friday was the release of The Dark Knight starring Christian Bale and the late Heath Ledger. First off the movie review then a few words about Heath Ledger.

First off The Dark Knight is story driven, not special effects driven. Yes there is action but the film does not rely on it. As usual I won't give away any crucial plot lines for those of you who read this and want to see the movie but just let me say that the on screen time of the guy in the bat suit is kept to a minimum. Honestly Aaron Eckhart's character of Harvey Dent gets as much on screen time and character development as Bale's Bruce Wayne and Ledger's Joker.

The special effects weren't all green screen and computer generated, which was a breath of fresh yet nostalgic air. Most of the big "stunts" were done for real, and when watching the film you can tell. In the movie trailer where the big truck does a flip and crashes to the ground, that's the real deal. You cannot make something like that happen with a green screen and get the effect that The Dark Knight pulls off.

All in all I have to rate this movie as a must see. The acting is superb, the directing is awesome, the special effects feral, the casting of even some of the small players was perfect also.

-Twiz

I gotta change the channel...

Every time this commercial is on television, I either have to leave the room, change the channel, or hurriedly mash the mute button....



I'm a softy at heart. Described as a "big teddy bear" by some. In less flattering terms I've been referred to as a pussy. I will not refute any of these accusations. The preceding ASPCA public service announcement gets me misty every time. It's the combination of the music by Sara McLachlan, and the animal's faces. I just can't take it. The cats are what really get to me as I'm a die hard cat lover. If you too are a softy you also probably have a difficult time watching that show on Animal Planet where the ASPCA "cops" go around and investigate animal cruelty. The depths that human kind can sink too never cease to sicken me. Want to beat your neighbor's face in with a shovel because he plays his music too loud? Go ahead! Have at it! But don't, do not, fuck around with defenseless puppies, kitties, etcetera!

Bob Barker had it right with his signature line at the end of The Price is Right. Spay and Neuter your pets.

Saturday, Wanted

I go into movies just expecting to be entertained. If all you read before seeing a movie is the hype train that the studios push out then nine times out of ten you will be disappointed. This is the case with Wanted starring the flavor of the month John McAvoy, Angelina Jolie, and Morgan Freeman.

Wanted begins with McAvoy's character Wesley talking about how shitty his life is. If you thought Mr. Anderson in the Matrix had it bad, then you will identify with Wesley's plight. He's pathetic and he knows it. His matrix is a dead in life at age 25. Unlike the lifeless Neo/Mr. Anderson however there is a dark and a sinister edge to Wesley's self loathing which is darkly humorous. As in all movies of this type he has a breakthrough (or breakdown whichever you prefer) after meeting with the person who wants to bring him out of his shitty life, which in this movie comes in the top heavy form of Angelina Jolie. Eventually he has enough of his craptacular life, tells his bitchy boss how he really feels about her, and starts his training with the ominously titled Fraternity. They are a group of assassins who perform killings in interesting and totally implausible ways. That's alright though, this movie is science fiction, not science fact.

The effects are well done, over the top yes, but still pretty good. Not that special effects are that difficult to accomplish these days what with computers and green screens. The action scenes are inventive and after which leave you sitting there saying, "hey, that was pretty damn cool!" The big gun fight at the end where Wesley decides he's had enough is slick stylized gun play at its best. Think the lobby scene in The Matrix only bloodier and more violent.

All in all, Wanted didn't disappoint me. It wasn't a dialog heavy turd like V for Vendetta, which is one of my all time most disappointing movies. Wanted balanced itself very well and it also will probably be in my dvd collection when it is no doubt released later this year.

-Twiz

Friday WALL-E

It's movie review time!

First up is WALL-E, from Pixar studios. These guys know how to make a good animated family film. My taste in movies usually leans towards the dark and violent, but whenever I hear Pixar is coming out with a new one, I have to see it. This is the 9th movie by Pixar and this is the 9th Pixar movie that will (eventually) grace my dvd collection with it's presence.

The visuals are breathtaking. That isn't a fluff word that I am prone to just throw around either. The dingy and abandoned Earth that Wall-E starts out on is a masterpiece. The first part of the movie where the audience is treated to the everyday life of the little robot hero is enthralling. It's a view in hopelessness, but at the same time the way Wall-E goes about his job of cleaning up the mounds of garbage on an abandoned Earth is heartwarming. He has fun at work and you really get a feel for his personality. Later on when he travels into space, it gets even better. A dirty and dingy Wall-E running around a sterile space station leads to several highly amusing scenes. How the writers even came up with some of this stuff amazes me.

There are few times in my moving watching career that I have sat in the theater with my mouth agape, but this was one of those times. I never wanted the movie to end. It could have been 4 hours long and that would have been fine. I'm also a softy at heart and I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't get a little misty a few times during the movie.

Wall-E is the best of the Pixar movies to come out. Period. I'm not going to ruin any of the plot lines for the few of you who read this blog, but suffice it to say that paying to see this movie was a privilege.

-Twiz

It's Tuesday. I'm doing laundry. How exciting!

As you may have noticed, the blogs are getting few and far between. Well, there's a reason for that.

Summertime is here!

What this means is I'm not spending as much time in front of the computer, and spending lots more time chasing tail... Er, um, uh. I mean I'm spending lots more time at the country club sipping champagne and playing shuffleboard.

It promises to be an exciting summer though! Hopefully I can make it through it without getting into too much trouble. Ah, the most trouble I'll probably get into is the town cop telling me my grass is too high and that he's going to fine me if I don't mow it. Won't be the first time.

If anything memorable or blog worthy should happen I'll be sure to throw it up here. There are some situations unfolding around me that I really can't post here. My Mommy reads this blog and I would feel really bad if something I put here caused her mental anguish. Never let it be said that I don't care about the feelings of others!

-Twiz

Yeah he's older, but he's still awesome.

I did make it to see the 4th Indy movie, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Yes, parts of the plot were predictable, but these are some of my favorite movies, and I love them. There's Star Wars, then there's Indy! I'm a George Lucas fan boy, what can I say? The directing and cinematography are both top notch and as usual the musical score by John Williams makes the movie just drip with adventure.

I won't give away any spoilers or anything but suffice it to say that the first twenty minutes of this latest Indy movie were fantastic. Spielberg and Lucas are spot on with the way things were in the late 1950's (the movie was set in 1957). Nuclear testing, the "red scare", the greasers, the preps. If you grew up in the 1950's or enjoy history you will enjoy this movie.

Quite honestly, I was worried that this Indy was going to be nothing but a relentless string of "I'm too old for this shit" jokes. There is the one joke at the beginning and that's pretty much it. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a movie that will stand the test of time just as the previous Indiana Jones' movies have. I recommend it. Go spend your money.

It's June 1st. Here's a blog.

It seems like the only thing I can post about on here lately is the movies coming out that I want to see and/or I am looking forward too. I don't do a lot of exciting stuff, maybe that's why. I'll have to schedule a trip to the local titty bar & come back home and write up a review of the talent. While not exciting it would prove interesting at least.

My favorite comic book heroes growing up were #1 Spider Man #2 Wolverine and #3 The Punisher. The Spider-Man movies were good. Spider Man III let me down a bit, there were so many different directions they could have gone with the movie but didn't. The first two X-Men movies (featuring Wolverine) were really good. X-Men III let me down however. Ian McKellan really made those movies as the bad guy Magneto. Without him the 3rd X-Men wouldn't have even been watchable. The 2004 Punisher movie (starring Thomas Jane) wasn't awful, but I wouldn't classify it as good either. All I can say about it is that it was better than the 1989 movie of the same name. If the powers that be could have combined the dark brooding of the 89 version with the production values of the 04 version we'd have had a good movie.

That being said, eleven months from today will see the release of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Seeing as this movie will probably be one of the "tent pole" released of 2009 and a potential blockbuster, it is almost assuredly going to receive a PG-13 rating. I'd prefer an R rating as Wolverine's world before he got hooked up with the X-Men was a violent and dark. I'm a sucker for those types of movies. Maybe I'm just an unrefined Neanderthal too. Jury is still out on that one.

Hugh Jackman is reprising his role as Logan aka Wolverine which is a good thing in my opinion. He did a fine job in portraying the character in the X-Men movies, and quite honestly I can't think of anyone else I'd rather cast in the lead role.

There is a worry however. In today's cinema and in particular the "big" movies that the studios release, they tend to come out with special effect laden horse shit. For reference see the 2003 dud, Hulk. So much potential thrown away. Weird camera angles, bad eyebrows, and craptacular acting by Eric Bana doomed this one. All the green screen and CGI in the world could not make this movie good. This is my worry for Wolverine. Hopefully Hollywood has learned it's lesson and doesn't jazz it up too much.

We can hope

-Twiz

Tax Rebate Bulletin...Mildly Amusing

Got this as a bulletin on myspace from a friend of mine, I found it mildly amusing so I thought I'd share.

Your Tax Rebate:

The federal government is sending some of us a $600 rebate.


If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.


If you spend it on gasoline, it will go to the Arabs.


If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .


If you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and
Guatemala .


If you purchase a good car, it will go to Japan.

If you purchase useless crap, it will go to Taiwan


The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer, and tattoos, since these are the only products still produced in the USA .


Thank you for your help and please support the USA .

Mummy Movie #3

I really enjoyed the 1999 release of The Mummy. I'm a sucker for a good action adventure movie. It also didn't hurt that one of my top 5 favorite babes was in it, Rachel Weisz. The sequel was just OK but at least she was in it too. The references to the previous mummy were used way to much in the sequel, and it became tedious. The CGI Scorpion King at the end was a joke too. Just awful.

The first of August will see the release of The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. I'm sure the movie will do it's best to capture the free wheeling fun and adventure of the previous two installments but I do have a gripe. Maria Bello instead of Rachel Weisz as Evelyn? This is bad news for me! Can she even fake an english accent? I know English and Australian actors can fake an American accent flawlessly but I'm not sold. Plus Bello isn't as hot to me as Weisz is.

Regardless I'll probably still check this movie out, just for nostalgia. Jet Li is in it as well (I assume as the bad guy mummy) so there will be lots of good fight scenes. I'm a sucker for some good kung-fu, and kung-pao!

-Twiz

Political Confidence, or lack thereof?

I am by no means up to date on politics in this great nation of ours, but I did catch this article and had to post a response.

Dear Republicans,
It's not just you we have lost confidence in. The majority of us have lost confidence in the entire political system. This country needs enemas on the National, State, and County levels.

And in local news, a school bond was narrowly defeated in my home county. It seems that the voters of this area just don't get it. Well, let me break it down for you this way. You have to spend money to make money. The middle schools in this county are dilapidated and ancient. If we, the people, pass a school bond to improve the conditions of said middle schools maybe it would be a step in the right direction to a better education system. Just a thought. I don't have any kids and I can see this clearly. Yes it would increase the grownups taxes, but maybe the kids will be smarter in the long run because of it.

And finally, Hillary stomped Obama in the West Virginia elections. Obama didn't even bother visiting the state, and quite honestly I don't blame him. There are a fair number of the population here that think segregation should still be in effect. Thankfully most of these morons don't even vote, so that's a good thing. I'm not 100% sold on either one of them honestly, but that is the way it is in politics. I think it's a real shame when talking about presidential elections the phrase that I hear more often than not is "well, I voted for so and so because they seemed to be the lesser of two evils." I can understand that, it's how I've voted every four years since I turned eighteen.

-Twiz

Billiards,,,,,I PWN!!!11

I made my monthly trip to the local bar where "everybody knows my name" and had a few beers. Now, this is where it gets weird.

A guy I know named Scott came up and said, "Hey, you wanna get in on this (impromptu) pool tournament?" Since I had a few beers already churning in my stomach I said sure.

I suck at pool. That's it, end of discussion. Including myself there were six people in this billiards extraordinar1e, making the grand prize for winning this thing a whopping thirty bucks. The first game I shot I veritably smoked a man that is far superior in the trigonometry of pool than I am. That was surprise enough! The second game I lost to a douche bag that I have never trusted, and for good reason as he spreads drama like kids spread peanut butter on PB&J sandwiches!

Third game comes around I am shooting against an old friend of mine. She is far better at pool than I pretend to be but, somehow, she scratches on the eight ball so I'm off to the next round!

By this point I am pretty well lit up, so the details get foggy. Apparently I won the next game against a guy I have known since kindergarten. Every time I've seen this cat at the bar he has been shooting pool & to my untrained eye he seems to have some skills. Apparently these skills mean exactly shit as I soundly beat him with four of his balls still left on the table.

Now to the final. I have to shoot against the only person that beat me. That's right, the untrustworthy douche bag.

I pull out all the stops. Sure the purse for the event is only thirty dollars, but this guy has talked shit on me in the past which has caused me some degree of problems. Imagine, if you will, an NBA player talking shit to an opponent. Or maybe a wide receiver in the NFL talking trash to an opposing cornerback. I was Deion Sanders and Allen Iverson all rolled up into the body of an overweight white boy. I talked the talk and I walked the walk. I went to my extensive library of ghetto speak and talked trash. We both got down to just the eight ball and after several very shitty leaves, the douche bag left me with a shot that I could not miss. Needless to say I made the shot. I even looked him in the eye as I hit the cue ball like Tom Cruise did it in The Color of Money.

Was it right to talk smack and be a complete dick? Maybe not. But tonight, because of my mediocre pool skills and my big mouth, I was a champion. I'm a firm believer of take your victories where you can, so I am taking this one to the bank.

-Twiz

A Mini Vacation almost in the books.

Been a rough few months around here for the twiz, I'm not going to lie to ya. Various serious life changes have occured so naturally I wanted to get the hell out of Dodge (or North Central WV as it were) and not think about important stuff for a few days.

It took a little bit of bribery and a lot of good will but I was able to take six days off from work to visit my buddy Jeremy in upstate New York. All in all it was a really good time and just what the Doctor ordered. Well, a doctor would have ordered it but since I don't have health insurance I self medicated.

We went to the shooting range and fired off a couple rounds of nine millimeter goodness. I also attended a Anniversary party for one of J's co-workers, and everyone was really cool. By some of the comments made I think that the majority of New Yorkers think that people from West Virginia are savages that eat their own young. This couldn't be farther from the truth as we prefer our meat gamey and tough and small children are too tender for our hillbilly taste buds!

The rest of the time I just hung out with Jeremy and his wife Ali. Playing World of Warcraft, watching that Izzard guy on dvd, and chatting about quote-unquote stuff.

Now I'd like to thank everyone that made this trip possible (In no particular order).
My Parentals for renting me a car because mine is a busted joint with only three wheels, and for food and gas money.
Jeremy and Ali for opening their home again to that savage from West Virginia, and for the nice swag I brought home.
My boss Laura for scheduling me these days off because I threatened her with bodily harm if she didn't.
All the degenerates that come into my bar and tipped me so I would have a little extra spending money.

I still have one more day off before I have to go back to work, which will probably be spent doing laundry and making up to my cats so they don't go all feral on me. Then it's back to the job and the life that is Twiz!

Again, thanks to all that made the past week better than the previous eight. It was much appreciated.

-Twiz

Don't forget what's in your fridge.

I picked up a case of beer on my way home last night because I used to be a boy scout and the motto is "Be Prepared."

Now I am a little too prepared I think. Forgot that I picked up a case earlier in the week & I completely forgot about it.


This is my refrigerator. The contents are:

• 2 Rockstar Energy Drinks
• A tub of Country Crock "butter flavored" sludge.
• Half a jar of spaghetti sauce.
• A tube of Cinnamon Buns.
• 9 bottles of water.
• A jar of kosher style pickles.
• An apple
• Bag of baby carrots
• 2 Liter of Pepsi
• Various condiments.
• 33 Budweiser cans(!)

It's a good thing I'm off a few days next week, apparently I have some drinking to do. Beer for breakfast!

-Twiz

Police Mootality & other bad puns.

Alright, don't ask how I found this news article. The internet is a web, travel enough and you will find something disturbing. Like this.

N.J. Officer Allegedly Performed Sex Acts On Cows

Previously Charged With Sexual Assault On 3 Girls

I couldn't resist photoshopping this guy. I realize he is innocent until proven guilty but to just be accused of inappropriate bovine love is bad bad bad. If you will also notice, the headline gives the alleged cow rape top billing, while the three girls are relegated to a smaller font. This is how I found it posted on the news website. That fact is even more disgusting than the bestiality. I love the press. Glad they have their priorities straight.

In conclusion, I'd like to say GO NEW JERSEY!!!! If this guy can become a cop, then I should move there and run for King of the Universe!

Slight upgrade to Blog

I got a request a longtime ago for more explosions and bigger boobs but this is the best I could do. A new banner, and a new color. I like the look and if you don't, well, that's tough shit.

Oh yeah, here's the explosion....



And the boobs....



Bonus points awarded to whoever can guess who those boobs belong to.

-Twiz

The Poor Die First!

I was looking at USA Today online tonight and found this article in the life section. As you can see from the hastily photo shopped picture, men in the south are screwed. Similar results for those southern belles. Now, the reason I find this interesting is that the states coated in a nice dark blue coating are mostly states with rampant unemployment, poverty, and low public education expectations. Coincidence? I think not!

On the bright side, I noticed that the county in WV I live in has a average life expectancy for men of 73.1 to 74.2 years. That means I have approximately 40.8 to 41.9 years to live! Personally, that's good to know as I have a lot of stuff do to and wasn't sure if I was going to get it done or not!

The cloud in the silver lining? I'll probably have to work until I am 75 to qualify for social security.

-Twiz

What's The Magic Word?

Ok, so I totally had to redo this post. I was half asleep when I first did it and it needed some serious editing. My grammar suffers horribly at 5am.

I work in the public as a bartender of sorts. Some days are rewarding, some I just want to punch customers in the neck, even though that's not exactly professional it would feel wonderful. I'm normally a very even tempered cat. I can honestly say that nothing that happens at work really unnerves me. The biggest asshole can come into my bar and I could care less. His/Her problem isn't my problem. I can have a conversation with an intelligent person or a drunken buffoon about any topic that suits their fancy. That's part of what a bartender does in my opinion

Now, with that being said, I have recently been noticing that very few people say "please" after requesting me to get them a cold foamy beverage, a soda, change, or whatever. I've started asking them what the magic word is and more often than not I just get this dumb look back in return.

Why is that? Where's the appreciation? Perhaps I am getting older and wouldn't mind a little respect from someone, instead of being treated like I'm just some man servant to be ordered around. More than likely it's probably that the people who don't say please and are just backwards assholes that are barely able to function in society, let alone out in public. I mean, I've had bad days where I just want to get through my day with a minimum of human contact but I try (note the word TRY) not too be jerky with other people. Life is too short to go around treating people that pump your gas, bag your groceries, or pour your beer, like they are a hole in the air. It's the "little people" out there doing the shit jobs that make this world go around.

So if you come into my bar, you will gain at least 5 cool points with me if you just use those three little words. Common courtesy is a good thing and makes the day a little better.

-Twiz

Clean Air, it's wonderful! And newspaper HATE!

There has been a stirring in these here parts! Recently our wonderful county commission decided to sneak through a county ordinance that would make smoking a no-no everywhere but in your house. My thoughts on this are myriad and mostly vulgar, so lets get to them!

The Marion County commission is full of self serving, self righteous, pompous douche bags that obviously do not have their finger on the pulse of their constituents. There is one exception and that would be a gentleman named Randy. He was the only member of the commission that didn't go for this. I've talked to Randy several times and while he is a loud and boisterous gentleman, he knows the people of this county very well. He's a politician, yes, but don't hold that against him. This makes me wonder if there isn't some federal government grant that the commission is eye balling for their own usage in whatever business ventures they may undertake.

Smoking is bad. I get that. I'm in love with that fickle bitch otherwise known as nicotene. As far as I am concerned drinking alcoholic beverages and smoking a cigarette is like peanut butter and jelly. Separate they are ok but putting the two together works best. No smoking in restaurants I agree with. No smoking in public places, I get that too. But to ban them from bars? To borrow an old hillbilly saying, "That dog just won't hunt." Which leads me to my next point.

This is West Virginia. Change is bad to most of the people around here. The other day an older guy came into my bar and was bitching and moaning about how West Virginia might get another area code! Inconceivable! I thought this guy was going to have a stroke. The fact of the matter is that a recent study showed that twenty five percent of all West Virginians light up everyday. One in four high school students are addicted to smoking or nicotene in some form as well. I'd cite my sources but I'm lazy and don't feel like it so you'll just have to take my word for it. I'm not totally sure but that number of smokers has got to be down from when I was in high school. Shit, everyone smoked back then!

A public blazing ban does work, I believe New York state has had just such a law in place for around three years. I was up there recently and I must tell you, going into a bar with no cloud of smoke in the air was slightly disconcerting. That's just because I'm used to the shit hole bars around Marion county I'm sure, but it seemed weird to me nonetheless.

Here is the article that was ran in the local newspaper, the Times West Virginian. I want to comment on it and then my rant is almost over.

The following quotes are copy/pasted directly from the Times West Virginian's website. I purposefully left the typos in there so you can get an idea of what I am dealing with.

FAIRMONT — When the Marion County advertised for public comments about the proposed revision to the Clean Indoor Air ordinance they received four.

The board members advertised that it was accepting the public comments in a 68-word legal ad that ran 24 weeks prior to the measure being voted on. No public hearings were held prior to the vote.

The original Clean Air ordinance banned smoking from malls, eateries, and the like. How can they get away with this? Well for those not hip, it's a revision to a law already on the books. No voting necessary! Go! Go! Elected officials! This is the way they can do whatever the hell they want and say screw you. Wake up and smell the democracy.
But a legal AD? A legal ad you say? In the Times West Virginian you say? The very paper I just quoted? Your newspaper is a fucking rag. There is no news in the times unless it's football season and the WVU Mountaineers are winning. This newspaper used to have articles that were pertinent, not a springboard for inane gossip and shit that everyone knows anyway (with the exception of this phantom legal ad). The college newspaper I worked on was far superior, more news worthy, and it only came out twice a month. Basically what I am saying is that subscriptions are way down for the Times West Virginian and the only people who probably read this legal ad were people who don't go out anyway. Your readership consists of elderly people who want to look at the obituaries and people who visit a bookie on a regular basis.

During the meeting, which was held in the Poky Dot, the board passed the revision to an older smoking ordinance by a three to one vote with one member adstaining.

Great place to have a meeting. The Poky Dot is a over priced sandwich shop with above average desserts which are also too expensive. I wonder, did the tax payers of Marion county pay for this quote-unquote meeting? Why not have the meeting, oh I don't know, at a local bar? Can't do that though. There might actually be some people with opinions contrary to what the commission members have on their agenda!

Now the part that hits my wallet...

The revision prohibits smoking in all free-standing bars and video lottery establishments. Fraternal organizations are exempt when holding a private function.

I work at one of the said video lottery establishments. Basically these places are set up with five poker machines per "store". These machines are basically what you will find in Las Vegas or Atlantic City or on most Indian Reservations (damn that's racist eh?). They are gambling dens, pure and simple. State certified and government approved. West Virginians love getting drunk, smoking cigarettes, and shitting their money away gambling. If this clean air thing goes through alot of my customers will stop coming in to gamble. They don't come in to gamble, I don't get tips. I don't get tips, I'm working for just over minimum wage. Fairly simple equation I think.

In conclusion, yes West Virginia needs to move forward. I just ask that you let me make some money off the poor suckers that pour dollar after dollar into the poker machines before this move. The state already gets around sixty percent of every dollar that goes into those machines, why can't I get my share as well?

-Twiz

An obvious case of "I should have known better"

I love beer. I drink it all the time and as The Coneheads would put it, "In mass quantities." My cold foamy beverage of choice for when I just want to throw back some brew is the old standby, Budweiser. Occasionally I like to add a little bit of the spicy version of V8 to my Bud just for a switch. Recently I was at the local Qwik-E-Mart and saw Budweiser & Clamato Chelada. My curiosity was piqued. This is where the "I should have known better" comes in.

After reading the colorful "BUY ME!" propaganda on the back of the can I was a little worried. Clamato by itself is some vile stuff, no question about it. Just the word clamato incites visions of squeezing that funky fluid inside of a clam into a perfectly good glass of tomato juice. Ew. However, me being me I just figured that beer can fix anything so I gave the Bud/Clamato stuff a try.

Big mistake.

I cracked it open and this smell assaulted my nose. It reminded me of an overflowing dumpster on a hot summer day. How Anheuser Busch captured so many funky smells into one can is something that I do not want to know. Naturally after the aforementioned nose crinkle, I took a sip.

Bigger mistake.

When I say this concoction is vile, I am not doing it justice. It tasted like what collects at the bottom of said dumpster except cold. Not that I know for sure what dumpster water would taste like, I'm just using my imagination.

Needless to say the sink enjoyed drinking the rest of my Budweiser Clamato Chelada with a clorox bleach chaser to wash it down. I wouldn't even flush this shit down the toilet, it's that bad.

Moral of the story? Even if someone pays you to try this, don't.

-Twiz

Grand Theft Auto IV. w0ot! (with trepidation)

First off let me start by saying I really enjoy the entire Grand Theft Auto series. With the exception of the first 2 GTA's which were just bleh, GTA III, Vice City, and San Andreas are three of the best video games I've ever played. As a matter of fact I enjoy most of the games that Rockstar (the game's publisher) puts out. The games themselves are geared more towards adult gamers and aren't brightly colored kiddie stuff that Nintendo has made their millions on.

So I'm being left in a quandary. The newest installment of the series is set to be released on April 29th. The problem? Playstation 3 and X-Box 360 are the platforms the game are going to be released on, and I don't have either of those. The other problem? The game is next generation so when it is finally released on PC I can guarantee that my trusty old dell won't have the specs to run it.

I'm not a big fan of console gaming. I know that I am missing out on some of the best games out there by not owning a console but I am loyal. I have a problem wiring my brain to work with the myriad of various buttons on an X-Box 360's or PS3's controller. I really want to play GTA-IV though. I don't have the dollars to run out and get either one of the two systems the game will first be released on nor do I have the capital to buy the necessary parts to upgrade my gaming rig for when (or even if) it is released to PC (probably sometime this fall.)

Ah well, I'm sure I'll figure something out by then. This fall is a long ways off so hopefully my financial situation will have changed by the time GTA IV is released to PC. All I really need (I hope) is a new graphics card. If not, well, I got a buddy who keeps telling me he has a room in his house full of spare computer parts collecting dust. I might just have to take him up on his offer!

-Twiz